log; whelm


139,626-3,134,456: 715 (+52): 114 -8,058(0.26%): 86.4%–61.1 %

Things are rarely sudden but I felt suddenly overwhelmed this weekend.

I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard lately without much in the way of stress relief. Because of the timing of my meetings and various deadlines, I haven’t been able to go for late night walks or hit the gym. The coding for one of my RAPs has been extremely difficult with a lot of moving parts. We’re still building the codebook and it keeps changing. Feels very one step forward, two steps back. Then it’s all different again. I hate that.

For me, it’s rarely actual workload that tires me or even feels tiring. It’s more a proportion of work to effort. “Fun” is more result than effort. Work is usually less result than effort. But this? It feels like weeks of effort without a result. Like digging a hole that just fills right back in. Or trying to dig a hole in water. Not even in the clearing shopping carts from the parking lot sense, where even as you take them in they’re coming back out, but you’re aiming at a sort of harmony. More in the split between three departments and nothing is working sense.

On top of that, I’ve just had too much to do.

So, on Saturday, while looking at the coding sheet and thinking about everything I had to do by Tuesday, I just got totally overwhelmed. Could not make sense of a damn thing. Could not make progress. Could not think. Had worked my brain to failure. Was done. Just done.

So I just tapped out. Took the day off. Went to bed then binge watched CHEER.

Next day, felt much better. More together, clear headed, back to work. Making decent progress. Was able to get myself a bit organized and quickly figure out a manageable schedule rather than trying to do things as they come in at all hours all the time. I don’t know that I’ll be able to complete what I’m supposed to by the time I’m supposed to but, also, meh.

I mean, fuck, I’ll put in the work but, at the same time, I’m down for 3 hours a week for this thing and that’s about what I’m going to give from now on. It’s about all that I can.

Aside from all that, shit is all fucked up, I know. And I have thoughts and opinions on it but, what I lack at the moment, is the mental bandwidth to write them out for you, beyond a quick FUCK WAR and I HATE THIS SHIT.

Anyway, I’ve got to get back at it. Good luck everyone.

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