Rollbot: Toilet Paper Fetching Robot

We’ve all been there, okay? And I don’t just mean on the toilet, although that’s probably disgusting enough. I mean in a specific situation on the toilet. (And not the one you’re probably thinking of, you hopeless pervert.) I mean that terrible moment when we realize that there is not enough toilet paper on the roll to . . . You know. (wipe your butt)

And in that situation, how many of us have prayed for a robot to come to our rescue? I know I sure haven’t. But, all the same, Charmin has answered this need with Rollbot — “a self-balancing robot that connects to your phone and will deliver a fresh toilet roll directly to your seat if you happen to find yourself on the pan and caught in a bind.” (the bind of not having enough toilet paper to wipe your butt)

It’s hard to think of anything that could make such an already humiliating moment worse but I have to give the good people at Charmin credit. It’s not bad enough that a person has somehow screwed up a thing that they have a lifetime of practice at, now we have to stare into the cold, mechanically perfect eyes of a machine, while coping with the worst and messiest parts of organic, mammalian existence. We should all be ashamed.

Very, very ashamed.